What is Couples Therapy?
If you're exploring couples therapy in Dallas, Texas, chances are you are feeling hurt, vulnerable, and maybe even scared about your marriage. Or maybe it feels like you and your spouse are suddenly talking at cross purposes or miscommunicating all the time. The good news is couples counseling in Dallas, with a skilled therapist can help renew or restore your marriage when things suddenly aren’t working.
But it's going to require some work.
Why Do People Need Couples Therapy in Dallas, Texas?
This may sound like a strange way to start talking about solutions to your marriage problems, but I think it's important to acknowledge that there are some inherent disadvantages to getting married.
Of course, we all know we're limiting our sexual partners, but that's only the beginning. We're also gaining a whole other family with all their quirks and dysfunctions. We often take on large purchases like cars and homes together, or we marry their student loan debt. We have different ways of running a household or making purchasing decisions that can lead to stress and conflict.
Add kids to the mix — or a major stressor like a job loss — and you're dealing with a lot.
We choose marriage not because it is the easiest option but because we decide the good will outweigh the bad. We want companionship, intimacy, and partnership. We want to do life with one another.
In other words, we choose to marry because we would rather adjust our own desires and be with this person than have everything our own way but be alone.
But because we don't stop changing when we get married, sometimes we need help with adjusting.
What Couples Therapy Is.
You probably have a basic understanding that couples counseling in Texas (couples therapy, marriage counseling, etc.) is about helping couples resolve conflict and generally improve their relationship.
How will your couples therapist in Texas do this?
Personally, I like to be very solution focused, but that doesn't mean just fixing whatever fight brought you into therapy. We have to think about solutions as large-scale habits of mind and body.
For me, the goal of marriage counseling and couples therapy is to learn how to operate with integrity within your marriage.
It's not simply to "save" the marriage or to teach you this or that skill so you stop fighting about the dishes. We may talk about new skills, and we will certainly talk about communication and conflict resolution. But nothing you learn will work unless you own it and feel it aligns with your values and sense of self.
Thus, I want to help you find solutions you both feel you can commit to without compromising the things most important to you.
Couples Counseling Concepts
There are several concepts or areas we will likely address in marriage counseling and couples therapy:
Distorted patterns – Often, we have to unpack and unlearn behaviors that have formed over the years.
Positive communication – Asking for what you need without blaming or shaming
How to fight – We can't avoid conflict in a relationship, but we can learn how to disagree and argue without hurting one another.
Independence vs. synthesis – Not only developing appropriate boundaries but learning how to come together on matters important to the marriage
Your "couple’s blueprint" – This is my term for what you want for your relationship, how you are going to speak and act to be the couple you want to be.
What Couples Therapy Is Not.
Typically, we go to individual therapy when we're unhappy with something in ourselves. By contrast, we go to couples therapy when we're unhappy with something in someone else.
While this is perfectly normal, you can probably tell it won't set you up for success in counseling. Couples counseling is not a way to get someone to fix your spouse. You should expect to work with your partner and on yourself.
Individual vs. Couples Counseling
If you have experience with individual counseling for men and women, some aspects of couples counseling may surprise you.
For starters, in individual therapy, you're the only eyewitness to the experiences you're processing. Your individual therapist may challenge your perceptions, but you always have the most information.
In couples therapy, another person was there, and that person has their own perceptions. When your marriage and couples therapist allows your partner's perceptions to challenge your own, you may feel, at first, like something's wrong.
But it's all part of the process. Rest assured, I'm not taking sides! But I do believe it's easy to convince ourselves of something based more on strong feelings than actual evidence. I have a sign in my office that reads, "Don't believe everything you think!" That applies to individuals and couples alike.
Challenges in Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy
There are many reasons couples come for marriage therapy and couples therapy; I'm always discovering new kinds of problems or experiences. But many of the challenges I see fall into a few large categories.
Changing Priorities
The longer you're in a relationship, the easier it is to begin making assumptions about your values and priorities. When your partner appears to suddenly change, it's jarring and can cause anxiety and stress.
I generally find that people's values don't significantly change over time, but their priorities do — they just don't always think to talk about them.
Feeling Trapped
It's common to feel like you're trapped in a bad situation. If this is you, I feel for you and how tired and discouraged you are. But this is a great reason to seek marriage counseling! As your therapist, I can offer a third-party perspective and help you see the options you really have.
Varying Commitment
Sometimes both of you are committed to doing the work. That's the ideal. Other times, you may be more willing than your partner — or, if you're honest with yourself, vice versa. It can be very difficult when one partner has their foot out the door.
Infidelity
This is tough because you either feel a deep, personal wound or you feel great shame for inflicting such a wound on your spouse. The central challenge, of course, is to regain trust, but we also need to look at the dysfunctions in the marriage that set the scene for that breaking of trust.
One Partner Won't Come
This can happen when there's infidelity or varying commitment. While the marriage may need help, we can't really do marriage counseling and couples therapy with only one person in the room.
In order to find integrity in the relationship, then, I will work with you on autonomous change. In other words, we'll look at what changes you can make to feel you can continue in the relationship and still find happiness and resilience.
Is Anyone NOT a Candidate for Marriage Therapy?
It may surprise you to learn that I do sometimes turn couples away. But I only do this in special circumstances where I discern that couples therapy will not actually help.
Neither of us will be spending our time well if there is someone who is unwilling to make changes. Sometimes a spouse will come in and say, "Here are all the things he does wrong, and if he doesn't change, I'm leaving." What they're really saying is, "You need to fix him because it's all his fault." But I will expect you both to do the work. If one of you is simply unwilling, you won't get anything out of couples counseling.
While most marriage problems follow predictable or familiar patterns, no two marriages are alike. You want your therapist to listen to each of you and help you find what works for you rather than get you to conform to some model. It also turns out that having someone listen to you and affirm your experience can be a powerful way to help you move back toward one another.
I invite you to reach out with your questions or to schedule a couples therapy appointment. We'll talk about your specific concerns and what it might look like to get to a place of warmth, affection, trust, and integrity with the person you love.
Are You Ready to Step Out and Work on Your Relationship in Couples Therapy?
Are you and your partner experiencing relationship issues in Dallas, TX? Sunrise Counseling is here to help. Our experienced therapists specialize in couples therapy and can assist you in navigating challenges and strengthening your relationship. To begin your journey towards a healthier and happier partnership, follow these simple steps:
2. Schedule a couples therapy session with Janie English soon!
3. Take the first step towards a stronger relationship and a brighter future!
Don't let relationship issues hold you back. We're here to support you and your partner every step of the way. Contact us today to learn more.
