Loss and Infertility During the Holidays
I thought I would have a baby...
Going through pregnancy loss or infertility during the holiday season is devastating. While managing typical holiday stress and expectations, you're expected to be "on." You feel like you have to make this a magical time for others. But, you’re grieving a profound loss and coping with the fact that life doesn’t look like you hoped it would.
During this season, you see images of families doing fun holiday-related activities like:
Holiday-themed pregnancy announcements
Families going to the pumpkin patch
Kids dressed up for Halloween
Families at the Thanksgiving tables
Picking out Christmas trees
Meeting Santa… the list goes on and on.
This makes your heart hurt. You long to be in the ranks of those sharing these amazing memories with their baby.
You may have tried to talk yourself into feeling better. Telling yourself to be grateful for what you do have. Or, reminding yourself to enjoy the holidays and be present in the moment. But, it doesn’t help. You feel this loss deep within your soul. And, now you have to deal with the chaos of the holiday season.
You find yourself dreading what’s to come as the holidays grow near. The get-togethers, parties, holiday meals, visits with family, and more. You worry that others will expect you to be “on” and happy. Furthermore, you know you’ll likely have to dodge questions. Well-meaning friends and family may ask “When are you going to have a baby?” “When are you going to give them a sibling?” “Are you pregnant yet?” and more. You don’t want to deal with those as they cause you pain every time.
I understand this profound pain. It’s a pain that all too many women and couples suffer. This pain never actually goes away, and events like the holiday season magnify it and make it worse. But, today, I want to offer you some thoughts on things you can do to cope with the distress you’re experiencing. You deserve to thrive during this very difficult time.
Create a Space for Your Grief
You must hold space for your grief and pain. Allow yourself to feel hurt and pain when it arises. Do not feel like you have to push it away to please others, even during the holidays. The holidays can be a very happy time. But, you are not obligated to be joyous the whole time or put on a fake facade around others.
Focus on Your Needs
Pressure from family obligations is an unfortunate part of the holiday season for many. individuals and couples. You may feel like you have to go from home to home to celebrate each holiday, exchange gifts, attend dinners, etc. . But, this may not bring you joy and instead causes stress. If so, I invite you to consider focusing on your needs and your immediate family’s needs. Doing so is not selfish, it’s self-preservation. You do not need to feel guilty for any reason.
Also, remember that you don’t have to go all-in or all-out. You can pick and choose what events you go to and how long you stay there. Or, you can choose to make a virtual appearance during FaceTime to simply say hello.
Take Care of Your Health and Wellbeing
It is easy to overlook your health and wellbeing during this crazy time. It can be as easy to do even if you’re not experiencing grief. From Halloween to New Year's, life gets crazy and the celebrations don’t seem to stop. So remembering to eat well, get good rest, exercise, and more may not be top on your priority list. But here’s the thing, it needs to be. It is important to care for yourself so you don’t wind up feeling worse.
Identify Your Support System
You need to both identify and lean on your support systems during this time. Let them support you as you navigate the challenges and emotions you're experiencing. Talk with them about the ways they can help you when you’re overwhelmed or hurting.
Remember to lean on your partner during this time. Communicate how you’re feeling and doing. Talk to them about how this is affecting your mood and your energy level. If you need to, explain how this may affect your holiday plans. Then, discuss how you can alter them to best take care of your mental health.
Have Answers and Responses in Your Back Pocket
The questions and comments from well-meaning friends and family can be very hurtful. You don’t want to relive your pain and hurt. You also likely don’t want to tell your great aunt that you’ve miscarried or are dealing with infertility. That’s very personal and you have every right to choose to share that information with. So, I advise you to first think about where you stand on this issue. Do you want to be an advocate and teach people why those comments and questions are inappropriate? Or, do you want to get out of the situation as soon as possible and avoid answering all together? Either way is okay.
Choose What’s Best For You
If you choose to advocate you can think about saying things like “That’s not an appropriate question to ask.” That question causes me pain, so I prefer not to answer.” “It’s not as easy as you may think.” or any variation of those answers. But, if you chose to avoid answering, you can say “I prefer not to discuss that at the moment.”
Reach Out to a Therapist
I realize that nothing I can say or do will take away the hurt you feel right now. But, if you are struggling and in need of more support, then I encourage you to reach out. Contact a therapist who specializes in helping women and couples dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss or grief. A skilled therapist can guide you during this time and offer you an opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space.
Begin Infertility Counseling in Dallas, TX
Living after such a loss is never easy. Our caring therapists are dedicated to supporting clients in navigating their emotions so they can achieve peace. To start infertility counseling from our Dallas, TX-based counseling practice, please follow these steps:
Meet with a caring therapist
Start feeling more at peace with yourself
Other Services Offered with Sunrise Counseling
Infertility counseling isn’t the only service provided by our Dallas, TX-based counseling practice. Other services we provide include:
Social Difficulties
Attention Difficulties
Self-esteem issues
Body image
Parent training
LGBTQ+ Concerns
Grief and Loss
Career concerns
Adjustment difficulties due to various life changes
Depression
Teen Therapy