Navigating Difficult Conversations
In any relationship – from personal to professional, healthy to unhealthy – there can be difficult conversations. These conversations might involve giving feedback to an employee or finding out that you have unintentionally hurt someone you love. It is not about eliminating difficult conversations, but learning how to better navigate them. Here are some ideas to keep in mind that might help you have these conversations:
Strike while the iron is cold
If it is possible, think about having the conversation when emotions are less heightened. It might be tempting to try to deal with the issue as quickly as possible, but if things are heated, you both are more likely to say something that you might regret and draw out the disagreement even longer. Go on a walk first. Take deep breaths. Sleep on it. Once you feel more ready, you could ask the other person if it would be a good time to talk. That way, their defenses might come down a little even at the start because they have given consent for the conversation. If they say no, then you can just ask them when a good time to talk would be. Before beginning the conversation, make sure you both are prepared to be fully engaged and not busy or distracted with something else.
Use “I” statements
Start with how you feel about something. This feels less accusatory than beginning sentences with “You.” So, for example, you could say “I feel sad when you do not listen to me” rather than saying “You’re a bad listener!” When you tell someone how their behavior makes you feel, it is harder to argue with (but won’t necessarily stop people from doing so!) because those are your feelings and your reaction. It is more difficult to tell someone that they don’t/can’t feel a certain way and easier to argue against an accusation that they are facing. By utilizing “I” statements, you are providing an explanation rather than assigning blame. And do not be afraid to use “I” statements for positive emotions, too!
Point out specific behaviors
Provide examples of what you are taking issue with. Refrain from using language like “always” and “never” – not only are they likely untrue descriptors, but it will likely make the other person defensive and argue back rather than receive feedback. To take from the example in the last tip, saying “I felt sad when you did not listen to me yesterday while I was telling you about my day and you were scrolling on your phone instead” will probably get a better response than “You never listen to me!” Having specific behaviors identified as problematic can help the other person better understand what behavior you do not find acceptable and give them direction on what not to do going forward.
Provide solutions
Pointing out specific examples of behavior you want changed not only helps the person understand what the problem is, but it also gives you an opportunity to discuss what you would want instead. This allows you to shift from the past (which is important to acknowledge but not to ruminate on) and into the present and future. Be as specific as you can so that the other person understands what you are looking for and can better carry out your wishes. Be aware that compromises will often be key here. Offer not just want you want them to do differently, but also try to talk about what you can do differently as well. If you have decided to “strike while the iron is cold,” then that means you have had time to prepare for the conversation and identify solutions beforehand so that you can then provide them in the conversation itself. You can then also ask them if they have any solutions themselves to show that you are open to their perspective.
Empathize with the other person
This can be difficult, especially when you feel like you are not being empathized with by the other person. To help with this, try summarizing what the other person said before you respond. Something like “What I heard you say was…” This can slow things down, help the other person feel better understood, and even help you better understand the other person when you give yourself the chance to process their point of view in your own words. The more that the other person feels heard, the more likely that they will put in an effort to hear you as well.
Focus on what you can control
Focus on what you can control: Another tip that is easier said than done! However, just because you employ healthy communication techniques, that does not mean the other person will oblige or the situation will automatically resolve. That can definitely be frustrating, but you cannot control the situation. You may need to be patient to see your efforts pay off. It may take multiple conversations before you see the positive effects of your new communication attempts, especially if the other person is not used to them.
If you want help navigating difficult conversations, our therapists at Sunrise Counseling can help!
1. Contact Sunrise Counseling
2. Meet with one of our caring therapists
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