Parenting Athletes
Most parents start off having similar goals for their children who play sports. They want their children to learn life lessons, be the best athlete they can be, and, most of all, have fun. However, sports evoke many emotions, some of which can cause parents to lose sight of these goals and values. Rather than help their children achieve these goals, parents themselves might be one of the reasons that their children struggle to benefit from the potential power of sports. This might not be conscious. If anything, parents often believe the opposite – that they are providing significant help to their child. It might be important to take a step back and evaluate your role as a parent in your child’s athletic participation. Every parent-child relationship is different, but what follows are some general suggestions to guide parents in their efforts to be a positive contributor to their child’s sport experience.
Communicating With Your Child
Ask your child how you can be helpful: Rather than guess what is best for your child, ask them directly. In terms of how you support their athletic participation, find out what they like that you do, what they wish you would do less of, and what they want you to do more of. You may not agree with everything that they say. However, they will likely appreciate the opportunity to have a conversation, and it also gives you a chance to explain why you do certain things. Your explanation might even help your child accept those behaviors if they understand it better. However, it is best that you respect your child’s wishes if they really want you to stop something. If they say that it is making their performance worse, why keep doing it? Give your child a chance to express their preferences – they are experts on themselves.
Be intentional about the language that you are using: You may not realize how the language that you use may be adding pressure to your child’s sport experience. Over the next week or two, be cognizant of the language that you are using. Using words like “need” and “must” ladens your message with pressure, as if there is no other choice and not doing whatever you are suggesting would be a failure. You could try language like “You might want to think about trying…” or “It seems like… has not been working for you.” You can also think about how your language leans positively or negatively. There is so much research that supports the benefits of using positive self-talk. People, including athletes, who believe that they can do something and who have an internal dialogue that is largely positive generally perform better than people who are negative or do not believe in themselves. Parents’ voices are internalized by their children, especially those who are younger in their development. Whatever you tell them might be something that they will tell themselves in the future. When talking to your child, are you telling them what not to do or giving them more direction on what they could do differently? Does it tend to focus on the positives or are you too busy homing in on the negatives? Would you want your child repeating what you just said for years to come?
Ask questions when they are not doing well: For parents, especially those who have played sports, it can be difficult to not jump in and provide the quick fix. You want the best for your child, and through your own experiences, you often have an effective solution on hand to offer. However, consistently giving them advice may increase their resistance to that advice. It also means that they will not learn on their own and instead become increasingly dependent on you for answers in the future. Instead, try asking them what they think went wrong if they did not play well or what they would do differently next time. Getting their input can increase their intrinsic motivation as they figure out their problems on their own. It will feel more rewarding to them. By giving less advice and giving them space to work through things on their own, you may find that they become more receptive to the advice that you offer when you do decide to go the advice-giving route. If you think offering advice might be particularly important, I encourage you to ask if they would like to hear your thoughts on whatever the situation is. By consenting to your advice, they will be more likely to hear it and less likely to resist it as they have now chosen to listen to you rather than advice being given unsolicited. Do not fix everything for them. Let them explore themselves and you may find that there becomes less to fix.
Encourage your child to have conversations with coaches: This tip builds upon the previous one in terms of your child taking ownership of their athletic participation and being motivated to make the changes themselves. Sometimes, it can be appropriate for parents to have conversations with the coaches. However, I would suggest starting out with thinking about how your child can have that conversation themselves, or at least be there when you talk with the coach. For example, if your child is not starting and is not sure why, they can ask their coach why they are not starting as well as what they can work on to improve their chances of starting. These conversations can be difficult, but it is an important skill. Having these conversations with coaches can be a good learning opportunity to communicate with authority figures in other areas of life.
Talk about and explore other aspects of your child’s identity: Even for serious athletes, they are so much more than just athletes. While sports can bring families together and connect you to your children, having sports being the sole connector and topic of conversation is likely detrimental. According to research, over-identifying with athletics and not having a more well-rounded identity is related to poor mental health outcomes and greater difficulty with transitioning out of competitive sports (which everyone must do at some point!). How you communicate with your child can help them develop other aspects of their identity. Rather than just talking to them about their athletic participation at the end of the day or at a family dinner, inquire about their schoolwork, friends, other hobbies, etc. The more that you only focus on sports, the more that your children will think their relationship with you and their worth as a person only depends on their athletic participation and performance. Exploring other aspects of their lives will help them develop a more balanced life and well-rounded identity.
Self-Reflection
Recognize your role as a parent on game day: You may think that yelling them advice on the sidelines during their game is giving them important information, but these actions may actually cause anxiety or impaired performance. What you may be saying could contradict what the coach instructed, which is confusing for your child and puts them in an uncomfortable position of having to choose between listening to their coach or their parent. And let’s face it – there is also a good chance that they are not hearing you anyway. So instead, why not just be a parent and let the coach do the coaching? Getting involved as a parent by instructing your child or other children may give the sense that you are contributing positively, but more often than not, this is not the case. When you stop placing responsibility on yourself to act as a pseudo-coach, you can instead just enjoy the competition. A parent recently told me about how her son’s coach has a “no verbs” rule for parents’ communications to their children and teammates during games. They are welcome to encourage and support in a general sense, but providing direction and advice is solely the responsibility of the coach. Engage with this idea as an experiment. For the next few games, eliminate all forms of specific instructions. Afterwards, check in with yourself and with your child about how it went. Did your child’s performance differ? How did it feel for you to relinquish control? And more importantly, how did your child feel about the difference?
Evaluate yourself: Just as it is important to ask your child questions about how you are doing in your role as a parent, you should be asking yourself questions, too. Think about how you treat your child, the coach, even referees. Who are you doing this for? Are you keeping your child’s best interests at the forefront of your mind, or do your actions reflect something more selfish? Are you getting more upset or frustrated than your child about a certain refereeing call or a coaching decision? Ask others besides your child about their perceptions of your current support of your child. You can have check-ins with your partner if you have one about how each of you are doing in terms of helping your child. Asking the coach for any feedback or ideas could also be a potential resource.
Speaking of resources… Parenting is hard enough – and navigating the modern youth sports scene is only getting more difficult. If you would like further help with parenting your child through their athletic career, you can reach out to work with our sport psychologist!
1. Contact Sunrise Counseling
2. Meet with one of our caring therapists
Mental Health Services at Sunrise Counseling in Dallas, TX
In addition to Sport Psychology, Sunrise Counseling offers a variety of other mental health services in our Dallas TX-based therapy office and offers telehealth therapy to those residing in Texas. Mental health services we provide at Sunrise Counseling include: